Betrothal

I was proposed to not long after 6 months of courtship. A very shocking one for me, if anyone knows me. That one without a boyfriend for the longest time and that one who thought she would not settle down until later. God is really fair. When I submit myself to Him, amazing things happened to me. 

So, I was told by my partner that his family would want to come over for the official engagement a week later. *mugcow! Huru-hara, okay!* People who got news of it were shocked and some found it too rushing. Err, has anyone ever considered my feelings? 

Maybe, because of this rush, I have forgotten (honestly, I did not have the luxury of time) to inform many people. Initially, I do not want an engagement. Later, I thought a betrothal is necessary only if the important people are around. Yes we have the Adat Merisik, Adat Meminang, Adat Melamar and Adat Bertunang. In the olden days, these customs were done progressively. Now, I feel, we should be more practical and waste less money. 

We had a small gathering, both families joined by our representatives (“wakil” from both sides) where the elders talked about the details pertaining to the big day and whatnots. Where was I in this story? I had to sit in the dining room, not allowed to do any work like serving of guests. Honestly, I would wanna do it. I wasn’t allowed to. I felt really awkward and restless. My SIL and cousins reminded to be lady-like and sit still. You think? I wasn’t listening to the talk, I remembered vaguely they talked about the “duit hantaran”, nobody asked my opinion and I did not listen further. Totally shut everything out. I focused on playing with my niece instead. 

Soon, I was asked to come out of my “hiding” for the betrothal. His mother put the ring on me and we somewhat became officially to be betrothed. How did I react? As much as I have been to many engagement parties, when it comes to your own, you’ll be lost. For sure. We took pictures, which I felt were not worthy of sharing them on social media. REASON: I looked fat and I would rather basked in that moments of awkwardness than have my ugly photo be shared on social media as an announcement of my engagement. We did not take any pictures together because his aunt thought it is not appropriate. It’s fine by me. We can always take pictures later on. We did not exchange any gift (yes, like those trays of gifts you see at people’s engagement). His side gave me a ring, a bouquet of flowers and a cake (only because my birthday was coming?). No, my side did not give anything in return. In my defense, it was not in our agreement to exchange anything. Tak perlu kan? 

My betrothal was short and sweet. And we barely have 6 months to plan for our big day. I couldn’t care less if there is no engagement. But we still have our elders and I am very clear on which customs to keep. Unnecessary and impractical adats can go. I say so because in my line of studies, I have learnt so much about adat istiadat Melayu that they drive me crazy. Not that I am not proud to be a Malay. However, if you want to carry on an adat but you are doing it half-heartedly or just calling it an adat just because, no I’d rather not do it. 

Our budding relationship is pretty new. Not many people know we are together, which is definitely fine by me. I keep my relationship private as long as close friends know who I am dating. As much as I wanted to tell the world, my engagement to my Random Awesome was the best birthday gift ever, I found myself pretty reluctant to announce it. And those who know me, would know I use codes to express my thoughts normally.

 Word of my engagement got around because my dearest mama told me how much papa wanted to announce it. And if daddy was still around, he would be the happiest too. I relented. Mama uploaded the photos on FB. Some friends saw my tagged photos. And those who understood my term of “leveled up” also congratulated me. No qualms. That, too shall pass. 

To this day, I am quite happy that I did not have to announce my engagement. If by chance you heard of it, thank you. If by chance you meet me on the streets or at wedding functions, or by now seen the ring, you would have known. My fiance ever asked if I was happy my engagement was not as big as our other friends and family, I was. And I told him I would not have it any other way. He agreed with me on the hadith “rahsiakan pertunangan, hebahkan perkahwinan”. This hadith, though, is considered to be weak. Some scholars and elders question why! The good news are meant to be shared. Yes, I agree. But I love this privacy. In shaa Allah, we’ll announce the big day so the whole universe will know ok? 

So ladies, it really is up to you how you want your engagement to be. Nobody says anything you do is wrong.  And do not let anyone pressure you to do anything you dislike. As long as you are happy, it is all that matters.

The Agony of Duit Hantaran and Mas Kahwin

This is my most hated topic ever. Yes, ever. Be it just talking it out with my friends or trying to coax my elders the non-importance of it. I’m going to talk about this anyways. Honestly,I am not in favour of having a price tag to myself. Then who is it for?

“Duit Hantaran” versus  “Mas Kahwin”

Dating back to pre-Islamic period when Hinduism and Animism was largely a part of the Malay society, duit hantaran was the dowry for giving away one’s daughter to the man she was going to marry. Why I mention animism? Our adat (customs) has got a lot to do with hinduism and animism beliefs. Anyhoos, when Malays in this archaepelago accepted Islam as their religion, they brought with them some adats. Though most adats have perished over time, duit hantaran has not. In fact, if there is a market price (I know there is. Makcik kepos love comparing.), in this millenia, we are looking at a 10K duit hantaran.

Myth 1: Duit hantaran is for the bride’s mother. She has given birth to her daughter and brought her up to be a respectable person with knowledge in religion, education and life-skills. Does this mean, if the bride is an orphan or was not brought up well, she is of no value, per se? Does this mean, the prospect husband of the bride has to work his ass off just to provide that amount of duit hantaran?

Myth 2: Duit hantaran is for the bride. I am supposed to say any argument is invalid, right? Who wouldn’t want a 10k duit hantaran, you tell me? But come on, labelling brides with price tags again.. Example a) the bride has only up till N level qualifications but with vast knowledge in cooking and household chores. (Our elders like to say “belajar tinggi-tinggi, masuk dapur jugak akhirnya..” yes?) Example b) the bride is a degree holder and rarely do her household chores. 10K duit hantaran.. is it worth it for both instances?

Myth 3: Duit hantaran for the groom to prove his ability to take care of his prospect wife and the amount raised is meant to be used for wedding preparations. This sounds legit. I can agree with this.

Mas Kahwin, or mahr (mahar), is the dowry that Islamic scholars refer to.  In Islam, there is no minimum or maximum amount of mahr. However, in different areas or countries, our religious insitituition has stated the proper amount, for instance in Singapore, is SGD100. (let me know if I am wrong) This mahr is obligatory (wajib) and a gift from the groom to the bride after they are solemnized. Meaning, it is only the bride who can make use of the gift. Mahr can also be other benefits such as silver or gold.

“Berilah kepada orang-orang perempuan itu mas kahwin mereka.” (Surah An-Nisaa’ ayat 4)

This reminds me also of a story during the times of Rasullullah (PBUH) when Baginda encountered a man who did not have anything on him to get married. Thus, Baginda asked of the man if he had memorised any ayat from the holy Quran? The man answered yes. Therefore, Baginda solemnised the man’s nikah with the surah the man has memorised as his mahr to his newly wedded wife. Beautiful, isn’t it? (And cheap, too.) Because Rasululllah (PBUH) said in a hadith by Bukhari,  “Find what you can as a mahr even if it is in form of a ring made from metal.”

My stance:

So what is with the grand amount of duit hantaran? I can safely say it really is up to individuals and the agreement between two families.  I made myself clear when asked how much do I want my duit hantaran to be; I answered zero. Null. I was questioned again, after some time, how much? Again, I made myself clear, null. My brother, who is my wali because my daddy passed on 5 years ago, tried to reason with me. Of course he understood where I was coming from and I was adamant. Heck, I even cried every night thinking about it to the point that the very thought of duit hantaran gave me headache.

Eventually, I told my partner, if there really should be duit hantaran, I really do not want to burden you with any amount. Since no one wants to accept my idea of zero dollar duit hantaran, I’ll even accept a 1 dinar amount. I told him my favourite number is 7. Honestly I gave up with this duit hantaran issue for myself. No, I did not get my eventual zero dollar duit hantaran, nor did I get my favourite number duit hantaran. THEN WHY DID ANYONE BOTHER ASKING ME HOW MUCH I WANT FOR DUIT HANTARAN?!

At this very moment, I still hope they will want to change their mind. I told them all before, what makes me the happiest bride is when my duit hantaran is zero dollar. In a hadith by Abu Daud in which Rasulullah (PBUH) mentioned, “The best mahr is one with the least amount.”

Ok, let’ be thankful, regardless.