Category Archives: Thoughts

Letters to the Bride: part trois



How does it feel like knowing the days are numbered? 

I’ve never been married. However, I’ve been through so many other weddings of those very dear to me. The feelings, are different this time around. 

“Are you excited?”

I don’t know. Am I? Yes because I am starting a new chapter of my life. Yes, because it’s the time I’ve been waiting for since like forever. BUT, I am not quite jittery yet. I am more nervous than excited. Nervous if everything does not go well. $$ is not enough. Blah blah blah.

Excited? 50%

“Are you ready?”

No. Honest eh? Everyday and every night I wonder if I am ever ready. I wonder will I ever be a good wife who guards her husband’s and her honour? 

Ready? 50%

“How’s your preparation coming along?”

I am obliged to answer everything is good. Well, technically yes. Then I’ll follow with “just the nitty-gritty..” Kancheong spider trying to get things done. What is it that I’m left with? Hmmm…  What I didn’t  realised – the nitty-gritty is a lot! 

Preparation? At my wit’s end!

“Do you need any help? Anything for us to do?”

Yes, I do need help. But, I dare not burden my family and bridesmaid and the whole entourage with my this and that. I do not want them to think I am a bridezilla! 

Help? Much needed!

So, dearest Ain… I know you are scared and nervous. But remember, you have been waiting for this day to come since you learnt about the beauty of Islamic marriage. I also know it is always easier said than done, but really, have faith in Him. For all the things that  happened has its own blessings in disguise. You know not what He knows. 

You know you’ll never turn out to be a bridezilla. You’re one of those emotional brides I’ve ever met! You care too much about others. Everything that is meant to be will fall into place. Your friends who are dearest to you will come round to render a helping hand even if it’s a little emotional support or words of advise. (Guys, I appreciate it a lot – in case anyone’s reading.) Some may not attend, but that doesn’t mean friendship is loss. 

Lastly, you were told to not be worried. Look what happened! Your migraine attacked. Pray hard, Ain. Pray that He looks after your dearest imam-to-be while he find the rizq for both of you. Promise me, no matter what happens you will always remain husnudzon towards our Beloved. He knows best, what you know not. 

Keep us in your prayers as we countdown to #ourwalima6915. 


Letters to the Bride: part deux


How have time fly? So much that you’ll never realised it.

August 1st, last year you attended his concert. It was impromptu. Yet, I guessed it sparked something between the two of you. Yes, you’re a fan. No, you did not see anything coming. Friends’ teasing were constant. 

The following day, after much nagging and pushing, and stop-all-this-nonsense-of-perigi-cari-timba-shit, you mustered the courage to pm with the excuse of giving more photos (right). That itself probably sparked something. Why would a stranger or an acquaintance tell you of his or her plans with the family, right? 

Fast forward.

August 1st, this year. You unlocked the next milestone. This feels like super fast forward, now that I think about it. Friends around spend so much time courting and dating and being engaged. You both spent 3 months of courting before getting serious, got engaged by the next 3 months, ready to be betrothed the following 6 months. LU GILA KAPPA?! No, you did not go somewhere along the lines of “BTO, shall we?”. Let’s hope you both nail this.

August 2nd, this year. As you reminisced about how August has changed your life, it’s 35 days to your #ourwalima6915. 

Time really flies, eh? As the day draws nearer, I keep praying for everything to be fine – may our Beloved sustain our rizq and keep our iman strong. Our journey is raw and long. But I pray that He ease our affairs, from the prep to the wedding day, our little moon to the honeymoon and our time to raise the extra $$ for our tiny new abode. 

Morning Rant of Stale Air


What is so hard about taking a shower in the morning? Don’t anyone feel guilty about it? Well, guilty about contributing to polluting the somewhat fresh air with your stale smell? If you’re out to achieve the out of bed look, you’re not nailing it right. Exactly what more than half of the population in SG is doing right now. And this is me, having to endure my 20-25 minute train ride from Tampines to Aljunied. (Phew)

Never mind about that. What appalled me other than bad breathe and literally just jumped-out-of-bed-and-put-on-your-work-clothes-on-and-off-you-go odour, it’s the stale, smelly behaviour of some people. While I try to breathe properly here in the train, my memories brought me back to last night’s teh (Malay for tea) session.

Our conversation evolved around wedding plans and how some people probably tend to be “mata merah” (literally translated: red eyed. But it means green-eyed/jealous). Guess some (read: one, or maybe there really are some.. Beats me.) people are not happy others are getting hitched? Maybe some people expected me to not be over them (read again: one)?

This smelly (busuk) behaviour, especially paired with that spiteful attempt to get others to not attend my wedding is beyond me. I cannot put a proper reasoning to why some people (ok just remember: one) must behave in such manner. Honestly, kenapa, eh?

A few people actually questioned me if I’m over certain things: fuck, yes. Don’t I look like I have moved on? Don’t I seem happy enough? Stop asking already. Yes, I’m fucking pretty sure am getting married. This bit has nothing to do with anyone else getting married. Consider it “jodoh” (fate).

If you, eh, I mean some people, want to go around “rallying” in their most influential ways to stop others from attending my wedding, please continue. Those attending my wedding will not be bothered by your opinion, eh I mean your jealousy. Kau… Gila eh?

With this, I’m not asking you in particular to be happy for me. I don’t need that from people like you. You don’t contribute to anything in anyway. Eh wait! You did. You made me realise what a twat you were. So thanks, eh.  Why don’t you just start minding your own? Just saying…

I have reached my stop. Kbye.



I was proposed to not long after 6 months of courtship. A very shocking one for me, if anyone knows me. That one without a boyfriend for the longest time and that one who thought she would not settle down until later. God is really fair. When I submit myself to Him, amazing things happened to me. 

So, I was told by my partner that his family would want to come over for the official engagement a week later. *mugcow! Huru-hara, okay!* People who got news of it were shocked and some found it too rushing. Err, has anyone ever considered my feelings? 

Maybe, because of this rush, I have forgotten (honestly, I did not have the luxury of time) to inform many people. Initially, I do not want an engagement. Later, I thought a betrothal is necessary only if the important people are around. Yes we have the Adat Merisik, Adat Meminang, Adat Melamar and Adat Bertunang. In the olden days, these customs were done progressively. Now, I feel, we should be more practical and waste less money. 

We had a small gathering, both families joined by our representatives (“wakil” from both sides) where the elders talked about the details pertaining to the big day and whatnots. Where was I in this story? I had to sit in the dining room, not allowed to do any work like serving of guests. Honestly, I would wanna do it. I wasn’t allowed to. I felt really awkward and restless. My SIL and cousins reminded to be lady-like and sit still. You think? I wasn’t listening to the talk, I remembered vaguely they talked about the “duit hantaran”, nobody asked my opinion and I did not listen further. Totally shut everything out. I focused on playing with my niece instead. 

Soon, I was asked to come out of my “hiding” for the betrothal. His mother put the ring on me and we somewhat became officially to be betrothed. How did I react? As much as I have been to many engagement parties, when it comes to your own, you’ll be lost. For sure. We took pictures, which I felt were not worthy of sharing them on social media. REASON: I looked fat and I would rather basked in that moments of awkwardness than have my ugly photo be shared on social media as an announcement of my engagement. We did not take any pictures together because his aunt thought it is not appropriate. It’s fine by me. We can always take pictures later on. We did not exchange any gift (yes, like those trays of gifts you see at people’s engagement). His side gave me a ring, a bouquet of flowers and a cake (only because my birthday was coming?). No, my side did not give anything in return. In my defense, it was not in our agreement to exchange anything. Tak perlu kan? 

My betrothal was short and sweet. And we barely have 6 months to plan for our big day. I couldn’t care less if there is no engagement. But we still have our elders and I am very clear on which customs to keep. Unnecessary and impractical adats can go. I say so because in my line of studies, I have learnt so much about adat istiadat Melayu that they drive me crazy. Not that I am not proud to be a Malay. However, if you want to carry on an adat but you are doing it half-heartedly or just calling it an adat just because, no I’d rather not do it. 

Our budding relationship is pretty new. Not many people know we are together, which is definitely fine by me. I keep my relationship private as long as close friends know who I am dating. As much as I wanted to tell the world, my engagement to my Random Awesome was the best birthday gift ever, I found myself pretty reluctant to announce it. And those who know me, would know I use codes to express my thoughts normally.

 Word of my engagement got around because my dearest mama told me how much papa wanted to announce it. And if daddy was still around, he would be the happiest too. I relented. Mama uploaded the photos on FB. Some friends saw my tagged photos. And those who understood my term of “leveled up” also congratulated me. No qualms. That, too shall pass. 

To this day, I am quite happy that I did not have to announce my engagement. If by chance you heard of it, thank you. If by chance you meet me on the streets or at wedding functions, or by now seen the ring, you would have known. My fiance ever asked if I was happy my engagement was not as big as our other friends and family, I was. And I told him I would not have it any other way. He agreed with me on the hadith “rahsiakan pertunangan, hebahkan perkahwinan”. This hadith, though, is considered to be weak. Some scholars and elders question why! The good news are meant to be shared. Yes, I agree. But I love this privacy. In shaa Allah, we’ll announce the big day so the whole universe will know ok? 

So ladies, it really is up to you how you want your engagement to be. Nobody says anything you do is wrong.  And do not let anyone pressure you to do anything you dislike. As long as you are happy, it is all that matters.


5 Phases of Falling In and Out of Love

This was written quite some time ago, from another blog. I thought, I’d share with you.

The 5 Phases:

  1. The Major Heartbreak
  2. The Getting Over
  3. The Letting Go, Letting God
  4. The What’s Next and Excess Baggage
  5. The Decision Making

To each, his own. Everyone has their own means and ways of dealing with a heartbreak. Some people are luckier; they fall in love with their first love and marry them almost right away. Other, like me, well, we learn to survive. For now, I am happy and thankful, Alhamdulillah, with being single. I’ll just have to learn to draw certain lines, especially when it comes to befriending males. As liberal as we may be, sometimes, we do not know if our actions hurt others; we do not know if what seems okay to us, may not be the same case for another.

And my warning to all single ladies, beware whom you befriend, especially if your good guy friend is attached. Remember to know when to draw the lines, ok? 🙂

I am G (for jiwa)!


In the Singaporean-Malay slang, “jiwa” is a term we usually use when we want our friends to do things together with us or even side us on decisions and/or when the occasion calls for us to be united regardless the consequences. In technical terms we pronounce it ‘ji’ (G) – ‘wa’. Hence the start of my “G for jiwa” term.

The Malays always promote unity and togetherness; in other words “gotong-royong“, “satu hati” and “muafakat“. Take the “$50 void deck wedding” for example… All family and friends of the newly wedded couple will come forward and help out where needed. Despite being termed “$50 void deck wedding”, the occasion never fail to lift up the kampong spirit.

That’s a whole lot of digression, yes? What I meant to say, not everyone who says will be there for u, will actually be there for you. You will only know your “jiwa” friends’ true colours when you’re at your lowest point in life. Not everyone is as “jiwa” as you think they claimed to be. Ask anyone friend in your spontaneous crazy road trip to the nearest country. You think?

Personally, I believe in G for jiwa for as long as I love and I could, I would be there for any friend who deserve my presence. Well, I used to be very jiwa go just about any friends, then I realised, some are not worth it. For jiwa I am for my friends and family, only the deserving ones know.

So how G for jiwa are you?

Salam dunia!


Salam dunia!

The name’s Esmerelda. There’s nothing special about me. I’m just like everyone else. A dreamer always full of imagination, an aspiring writer and a hijabista. Friends and family think I’m suffering from quarter life crisis – being single and always busy with work and studies, leaving no time for myself. I’m fine; at least that’s what I think.

What ignite the interest to blog again? Let’s just say, age is catching up on life. Hence, I feel the need to pen, or rather type my thoughts out – talk about topics we are familiar with, share interesting recipes, update on music and fashion and keep encouraging others to do good. I don’t have specific target audience. Sometimes I talk crap, just to fill my time before I get busy. Sometimes, I will pen down thoughts I’d hope to share.

So, until my next post!